Mindset of Success: The Science of Personal Leadership Development

Update to last post about important decisions and my dog Casey

I got so many emails and comments about my last post and I greatly appreciate the thoughts, concern, and encouragement.

I'm happy to say that my dog Casey is doing much better. We've been doing intensive behavioral training with him and he seems less fearful and more confident, even around my son. We still keep them separated if we aren't right there to supervise, but overall it is going better.

Now I'm expecting baby #2 this fall so we'll see how he does with two kids!

We'll be ramping the training back up as soon as that little one can crawl, I'm sure.

Making Life-Altering Decisions

Making Important, Challenging, Life-Altering Decisions

My husband and I have recently been struggling with an agonizing decision—whether we need to remove our dog Casey from our home. Casey is afraid of children. When dogs are scared they often become aggressive because they feel they have to defend themselves. It would be fine to keep Casey away from kids except we have a one year old who is learning how to walk, and will be running around before we know it.

Difficult Decisions

Our vet and trainer have recommended “rehoming” (a verb I wish I never had to learn) him or constantly monitoring him and keeping him separated from our son Landon.

Neither option is appealing—either we go through the sadness of losing him and removing him from his sister and best friend (our other dog, Maggie) or live in a constant state of hyper-vigilance.

As you know from my other articles and blog posts, much of the research on decision-making points to how we tend to be happiest when we go with our intuition. As a rule I try to do this and it typically works, often in combination with some form of rationale analysis.

But what about when our emotions are involved?

Making decisions is challenging anytime, but especially when the decisions touch on our values and raise emotions. Emotions impact our ability to both think rationally and hear our intuition. With major decisions in life that touch upon our core values, emotions are likely to be heavily involved.

What I’ve learned in these instances is that we can do one of three things, any of which can be helpful and often a combination is best:

1)    Reduce negative emotion by doing something relaxing or invigorating and then listen to our intuition when we’re in a calm state of mind.

2)    Rely on our natural support systems—those who know us well and can help to connect us with our core values and beliefs. Those who are not implicated in the decision and can help us see the situation objectively.

3)    Rely on outside or expert opinion. There are some decisions that we are not qualified to make and we need to get assistance from a subject matter expert.

My husband and I are doing all of these with particular emphasis on #3. Human behavior I know well but I’m not an expert on dog behavior so I need a specialist to assess the risk level and guide us through the decision. Fortunately, my husband and I have a wonderful dog trainer and vet, both of whom have been working with our dogs for some time.

We’ve decided to do another month of training and to keep Casey and Landon separated unless we are supervising closely and then re-evaluate. It is tempting to make a decision right now to free us up from this anxiety of having to decide, but we believe this is the best course to take for the long-term good of our family.

I’ve found that the most important thing to do is to not constantly think about and analyze the situation. We can convince ourselves of anything and when we’re unclear we’ll convince ourselves of everything, adding to the confusion. It’s hard not to do this but I’m trying and it’s helping.

Are you faced with any emotional decisions? Any of this that you can use or any other things you’ve found helpful?

Making Decisions: How Over-Thinking Can Lead to Poor Decisions (and What to Do About It)

A friend recently asked my opinion about whether she and her husband should buy a new house. She explained that she loved the house because it has many intriguing features—for example, it’s on a river and her boys could go tubing down the river in the summer. The downside is that living in that home would make her commute substantially longer. She asked my opinion based on research on decision-making.

 

Both Our Hearts and Our Heads Can Lead Us Astray

 

I told her I wasn’t sure. On the one hand, research shows that people’s satisfaction at work is most closely related to their daily interactions with their direct supervisor. This shows that the seemingly mundane things (like your supervisor’s communication style or my friend’s commute) are crucial and should be given significant weight.

 

On the other hand, I thought about research on intuition and decision making which shows that people tend to be happiest when going with their gut reactions rather than what they come up with when they rationally go through the process. Over thinking can create a less favorable outcome. In fact, we tend to be most satisfied when we don’t need to explain (to ourselves or others) why we selected what we did.

 

Relevancy and Good Decisions

 

I favored this second approach but I wasn’t completely sure so I did a little more research. I found a study of 900 women conducted by Daniel Kahneman and his colleague Alan Krueger, the majority of whom said that their commute was the worst part of their day.

 

Hmmm, maybe my friend should question the daily impact more carefully. But her gut told her the house was a good fit for her family.

 

Weighing the Factors

 

It felt right to my friend to have an active lifestyle on the river. However, would her family take advantage of the river on a regular basis? It would need to be enough to offset the tough commute. They’d only make use of the river for about half the year. Many people choose a larger house over a location closer to their work and regret it because the benefit of, for example, a larger master bedroom, does not outweigh the cost of a long commute to work.

 

So how do we balance out the different variables to make good decisions?

 

I recommend:

 

1)    Get in touch with your intuition—what feels right.

2)    Ask yourself if what feels right will be relevant much of the time.

3)    Don’t think anymore. If you over-think step 2 you can talk yourself into anything (and out of the best decision)!

Making tough decisions - What you can learn from my mistake

Last fall something intimidating happened: My new book came out. 

 

This book was a labor of love that took me 5 years to research and write. It’s packed with research and interviews with people like David Allen and Seth Godin. I was very proud of it, but scared of its release. 

 

Why Was I Scared?

 

Because my intuition told me that it would not sell as well as it could and should.

 

Ironically, the main message of the book is about how to listen to your discomfort and have it guide you towards the best decisions. My expertise is how to manage anxiety and confidently push yourself.

 

I didn’t head my own advice. I’m quite disappointed about this, but realize that mistakes are part of the growth process. As an author and coach, I need to make mistakes so I can tell you what NOT to doJ 

 

What Happened?

 

We had difficulty titling this book. It’s about pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone in the way that works. The goal is to accomplish the things you’ve avoided or doubted your ability to do, thereby building confidence and advancing in your field or career. 

 

Because it’s about being a leader in your life and work, we called it The Confident Leader.

 

Exhaustion Wins

 

I feared that this title would not sell the book because the audience is not necessarily “leaders.” The executives, entrepreneurs, salespeople, and professionals who the book is for many not see themselves as “leaders”. Reviews of the book have pointed this out.

 

I didn’t push harder for a different title because we’d gone through dozens of options and couldn’t find the right one. I was tired and so I acquiesced. I convinced myself that it would work even though I knew in my gut that it was not ideal.

 

Allow Intuition to Build Energy

 

What I should have done was to take a break. I should have given myself some mental quiet to hear my intuition. I should have allowed that intuition to energize me to come up with more ideas and advocate for another solution.

 

Take-Away Lessons

 

1)       Even when you’re an “expert” in an area, you need to check yourself because it’s not always easy to follow our own advice.  

 

2)       When a decision is important, refuse to give-in if part of you doesn’t agree... even if it's just a small part of you.

 

3)       Get yourself completely onboard (or off) by finding mental quiet and allowing your intuition to guide you. 

 

 4)       When in doubt about whether to go with your rational analysis or your gut, go with your gut.  

 

If you’re interested in topics like these, do read the book, even if you’re not a leader, you’ll find many things that can help you, and you’ll learn more about how not to make mistakes like I did. (And if you read it, please let me know what you think.)

Have a difficult decision of your own?  Or a lesson to learn from a past mistake like I made?  Post them here and I'll be sure to respond.