Mindset of Success: The Science of Personal Leadership Development

When To Address Problems and When To Let Them Slide

Conflict Management:
Deciding What to Address and What to Let Go

Do you avoid conflict and tense conversations? If so, you are not alone. Many people feel uncomfortable with conflict and stay away from it. After all, it’s human nature to take the path of least resistance. It’s always easier to do nothing than something, especially if the something is stressful.

Some people take the opposite approach—it makes them uncomfortable to let little things go. They’re perfectionists and have a hard time seeing how some issues are not critical, and how part of being a strategic leader is to let things go.

Which do you do?

The Covered Pot Syndrome

Keeping our frustrations to ourselves can create a covered pot syndrome: Your feelings are like boiling water in a covered pot, boiling over at the time we least want them to.

Our avoidance can let the conflict go to the point that it is much more difficult to manage. Pair that with your frustration (the boiling over) and you have a recipe for disaster.

As a confident leader in all your life roles (in your job or business, as a parent, as a sibling or neighbor, etc), the goal is to address situations that need to be addressed even if they are uncomfortable.

The Boy Who Cried Wolf Syndrome

At times it can be a smart strategy to let things go. If you address everything no one will take you seriously. They’ll think you’re a nitpicker and tune you out. As a leader, you need to show people that you can prioritize.

So, how do you decide when to address conflict and when to let it slide? Here are few things to consider:

Worry Makes Monsters Out of Shadows

I like to say this ("Worry makes monsters out of shadows") because it's easy to lose perspective when we're worried about something.  

Situations don't determine our feelings. Our responses to situations determine our feelings. What we think about the situation (our interpretation of it) determines how we'll  feel and respond. This is why two people can be in the same situation and have totally different responses to it.

So what determines how we'll interpret something? There are many things but one of them is the frame of mind we're in as we enter the situation.

If we're already nervous or uncomfortable, we're more likely to interpret the situation in a way that makes us more nervous or uncomfortable.

What can we do about this?

The main thing, and easiest thing, is to remember this. It will help you regain perspective. If you find yourself reacting to a shadow (something small, benign) like it's a monster (something big, threatening), remind yourself that it may not be as bad as you think.

Turn the light on and see things differently. You'll see that it's likely much more manageable than it initially appeared.

What do you think James Arthur Ray's responsibility was in the 3 deaths at his spiritual warrior retreat?

If you haven't seen the news, self-help guru James Arthur Ray was arrested and charged in the deaths of 3 members of his Spiritual Warrior event.

What do you think?

I have a lot of thoughts. It's late and they aren't well formed so bear with me. I do not know the details of the case and my intention is not to pass judgment, that does not help anyone, rather to explore factors that may have played a role which could help all of us in the future.

I highly doubt that Ray wanted this to happen. I do, however, think that leaders are responsible for the situations they design. Charisma, power, trust, authority are all tools for influence (they act on an emotional level which impacts the decisions others make), which of course can be used for good or evil. Evil can happen when leaders don't intend it if they are not careful. The more powerful these tools, the more careful the leader needs to be.

This tragic event seems like a devastating example of social psychology principles of mind control, group think, social pressure, obedience to authority...

I wonder if he would have set up that type of situation if he were truly aware of the social psychology and medical precedents with tragic outcomes. Had he done this research he would have spent a significant amount of time encouraging dissension (the #1 way to break group think), listening to your body, leaving and taking a break, etc... not just in a release for legal purposes but in a formal preparation. He would have had medical professional on hand, taken frequent breaks with the lights on, and so on...Again, I don't know if he designed these measures into the event or not.

From what I know of James Arthur Ray, he had a positive message to share. My guess is that after all of his fame and powerful healing sessions, he continued to up the ante. It may not have been a conscious intention (the fear that if he didn't provide a more intense experience each time he could lose his followers), and it certainly could have stemmed from a positive desire to provide greater help for his followers. I do think that somewhere along the way he should have gotten many outside perspective on the experiences he designed.

I hope other teachers, healers, seminar leaders, business leaders, members of the media, parents, etc, will take away the message that people's lives are literally in your heads and as a leader you accept a tremendous amount of responsibility.

We need to be mindful of treading very carefully with power, knowing the literature of potential responses in high social pressure group situations, encouraging people to break free from groups for any reason (in fact rewarding people for breaking free), and consulting with medical professionals when designing anything that involves heat, sweating, excessive drinking of water, etc.

And we all need to remember to listen carefully to our thoughts, feelings, and bodies. And as soon as we get that instinctual feeling that something isn't right, get out of the situation.