Building Self Confidence: 7 Qualities Praise Must Have to Build Confidence and Self Esteem

Today’s article is inspired by my recent observations of both bosses and parents delivering praise. I’ve noticed that many well-meaning people are giving praise, apparently in effort to build someone’s self confidence, but the way they do it backfires.

 

It upsets me to see people with positive intentions who put forth solid effort but don’t get the results they want. I’ll share tips on how to help important people in your life build their confidence. This is a key concept in personal leadership.

 

Before reading the article, take a minute and think about the important people in your life and work: your family, your clients or customers, your employees, even your boss. Who can benefit from a self confidence boost? If you’re thinking something along the lines of, “my coworker is too darn confident, this doesn’t apply to her,” think again because people who are seemingly arrogant often suffer from a lack of true self confidence.

 

Whether you’re a parent, aunt, uncle, grandparent, neighbor, or friend, building confidence in children is one of the most important things you can do to leave a legacy and give back.

 

Enjoy the article and post comments or questions.

 

Building Self Confidence: 7 Qualities Praise Must Have to Build Confidence and Self Esteem

 

I think the most important leadership characteristic is the ability to build confidence in others. If you can have a staff filled with motivated, self-assured people willing to be creative and push the limits, your department or business will prosper.

 

If you’re a parent, other than good health, what more could you want than a child with good self-esteem. A confident child is less likely to do poorly in school, succumb to peer pressure, and suffer from anxiety and depression.

 

So, how do you go about building confidence in others?

 

What most people do is begin to lavish on praise. This is not the best approach.

 

While giving praise is certainly important and MUCH better than not giving attention or being critical or negative, some types of praise increase confidence while others decrease confidence.

 

Here are the characteristics of praise that builds confidence:

 

1)    It is sincere. What makes praise sincere? The delivery. You stop what you’re doing and look at the person. Smile. If you can’t take the time to attend to the person, they’ll figure you don’t really care. Showing your genuine emotion contributes to the sincerity of the feedback.

2)    It is specific. Saying “great job,” is not as powerful as saying exactly what you’re pleased with—keep the next point in mind when you do this…

3)    It focuses on effort. When you praise effort people feel like they can reproduce the positive experience in the future, all they need to do is put the effort in. When you praise ability (“you’re so smart,”) people feel like they have to prove themselves and live up to that label which creates anxiety.

4)    It is sporadic. This is another counterintuitive point. Research shows that variable reinforcement is more powerful than reinforcing a behavior every time. If you say it every time it loses its power and doesn’t get attended to as much.

5)    It is sometimes “constructive.” Don’t feel that you can never give someone negative feedback for fear of damaging their self-esteem. Constructive feedback is important. If you’ve played a sport you know that the coach typically gives more attention (often in the form of criticism) to the top players. Keep the ratio of positive to negative around 4:1.

6)    It doesn’t “sandwich” or use techniques. I don’t recommend using the sandwich technique of praise, criticism, praise. When you do this, people just hear the “but…” piece. Over time they’ll tune out the positive and wait for the negative. Instead delivery each piece of feedback separately using the 4:1 ratio discussed above.

7)    It encourages learning. Praise that encourages growth, even mistakes and failures, opens people up to take risks and try new things. They figure that you must really believe in their ability to do it (or, more importantly, to handle it if it doesn’t go well) which boosts self confidence.

 

Who can you help by using these techniques for praise to build their self-confidence?

 

  Not only will you help them feel and perform great, but you will as well. Try it. You’ll see.

 

If you find these tips helpful and would like more specific strategies on personal leadership, have a look at The Confident Leader. Leadership in all you do begins with you.

Comments

[Lynne Davidson]

I appreciate the tips provided within this article as I strive to build my son's self-confidence. In particular, I think point 3, focusing on effort, is a critical distinction to make when delivering praise. Often I have praised ability rather than effort and will be more aware of this in the future.

Thank you for continually providing relevant information that I can apply to all realms of my life, professionally and personally!

[Mike Shippey]

These are fantastic! I love your insight!
#6 is so true, and that principle is an old and tired one in the world of management..."start with the positive, then let 'em have it" WRONG!
Thanks for illustrating how to best use praise so that it is meaningful and purposeful.
I really appreciate the post.
MS

[Larina]

Happy you like the tips. There's a great book on this called Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck.

[How to Build Confidence]

Building of self confidence is different from person to person. I find exercise one of the best ways to clear the mind and stop the over thinking that causes lack of confidences.

[DARRYL]

I REALLY ENJOYED THIS ARTICLE IT WILL HELP ME AS A TEAM LEADER IN TRAINING,I WANT TO LEARN HOW TO BUILD SELF ESTEEM IN OTHERS AND GIVE THEM THE PRAISE THEY DESERVE I DO NOT APPROVE OF DESTUCTIVE CRITICISM,I WANT TO LEARN HOW TO GIVE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM AT THE APPROPIATE TIME.I WILL ALWAYS READ THESE ARTICLES.AND I DO HAVE YOUR BOOK THE CONFIDENT LEADER AND AM ENJOYING IT VERY MUCH.THANKS

[Charlotte Carey]

I am a Primary School Teacher and I have found this article very useful and will use the tips within my classroom. Thank you.

[Get Confidence]

Great Post,

Regular praise or questions without sincere care is to common today. I like the idea's you shared here. I will do more of this with my own kids.

Thank you

[Get Confidence]

Great post,

To give and help others gives confidence to the giver as well. And when you can teach it to others you master it yourself.

Thank's