Whether it’s personal or professional, conflict is always stressful. It often escalates from a small dispute to a much larger issue. You and/or the other person feel wronged, frustrated, irritated, and sometimes, pessimistic about whether things will change.
When, on the other hand, you’re able to mange conflict well, you and others feel more relaxed, focused, happy, and fulfilled.
Conflict management is possibly the most essential skill to positive relationships. The goal is not to never argue or be frustrated with others, it’s to effectively handle the inevitable disputes that arise.
Directly addressing conflict, rather than avoiding it, can improve relationships, if of course it is addressed well. Research on couples has shown that the way in which couples argue predicts whether or not they stay together.
When you’re in a conflict with someone, it may be impossible to change their mind in the heat of the moment. Instead, look for ways to de-escalate the conflict. Once there is peace, it will be easier to influence him or her to your way of thinking.
Here are 5 ways to de-escalate a conflict and getting your ideas heard:
1) Start with the facts. People often get engaged with their emotions and forget to do their research and start with the objective data. When you focus on the facts, you’re less likely to get defensive or make the other person defensive.
2) Look for common ground. In research with all types of people (kids, businesspeople, couples, etc), the most effective way to resolve conflicts has been shown to find an overarching objective about which you both agree. When you’re in an argument with someone, it feels as though you are light years apart. Establishing a common goal helps draw you together.
3) Express empathy. If the other party does not feel that you’re listening, they will resist your influence. They need to know that you understand where they’re coming from, or at least that you’re trying to. If they keep repeating themselves over and over, chances are that you have not used active listening and expressed empathy.
4) Give and take (but give first). According to the law of reciprocity, when you give others naturally want to give too. Say, “That was a good point, I will definitely work on that piece,” and you’ll be amazed how quickly the tone changes. Of course, what you say is not as important as how you say it, so don’t forget to do #3 above (empathy) so you mean what you say.
5) Get feedback—on yourself. Ask someone who is not involved in the conflict and will tell you the truth if you are being stubborn or ridiculous in your position. It may give you the incentive to negotiate if you’re standing firm is unreasonable.
When you use even one of these conflict management skills, you’ll see how quickly and easily you can reduce the conflict, come to resolutions, and improve your personal and professional relationships.
For more on how to proactively navigate conflict and other uncomfortable situations, have a look at my book The Confident Leader. You’ll see in the reviews that it isn’t just for “leaders” like CEOs, it’s for anyone who wants to take a leadership role in their careers and lives.
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