What's the Secret to a Great Relationship?

One book on my summer reading list is: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. It's a classic on relationships based on Gottman's extensive work with couples. Gottman says that he and his team can figure out whether or not a couple will stay together within 60 seconds to a high degree of accuracy.

The secret?

This will come as no surprise-- it's all about couples communication. When couples turn toward each other (rather than turn away), their relationship stands a great chance. This means that you acknowledge each other's viewpoints and keep connected.

For example, if you read the morning paper together- Do you read in silence and then go about your separate ways or do you make some comments to one another? Small comments combined with an acknowledgment of the comment (such as a nod, reply, smile) count as "turning towards" one another.

My friend, relationship expert Max Vogt, author of You Don't Have to Change Who You Are to Have a Great Marriage says that the key to a great marriage is what you focus on. (Yes, this is consistent with The Secret). You might already have the marriage you want-- Are you paying attention to it or to all the daily problems that come up?

It is tempting to over-analyze your relationship, but remember that communication is a pattern, so don't make too much out of isolated incidents. I think the 80/20 rule that we use in many areas of business also applies to relationships. If 80% is what you want, focus on that rather than the inevitable 20% of what you don't want (assuming, of course, that the 20% is not abusive or otherwise unacceptable). This helps us to stay focused on the big picture.

It's a beautiful summer Sunday here in Philadelphia- a great day for reading- so I'm going to finish Gottman's book and move on to some others... I hope you're enjoying your Sunday too!

Cheers,

Larina Kase